I have been trying to walk the Dry Creek Canyon near my house every morning. It's a paved path at the bottom of a narrow, deepish canyon. Junipers and sage lie low and their scent is the prevailing one here in central Oregon. It's a nice smell--spicy and astringent.
And I try really hard to notice things, to center down, to be fully present. One day it was Lucy in a stroller with big eyes and the generosity of her 6 month old smile. Another day it was a young woman trying, and failing, to keep up with her boyfriend, riding too fast on his bike. Been there/done that, I thought, and wanted to tell her to turn around and ride by herself. See if he even notices her absence.
Mindfulness, taking the now in, is harder than it sounds. Noticing the girl on a slower bike triggers old junk. So I try to get back to gratitude. Not with him anymore. I'm better. I left. I started over. I pedaled away and my breath slows and deepens.
Friday, August 28, 2009
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Donna -- ah, old junk. damn. yeah. so much of what i struggle with today is the dusty contents of boxes i can't resist opening...old crappy mementos of times when i felt like i was not enough, would never be enough. stuff as unconnected to the truth of me as a smiths cd. sorry smiths fans, but really...do you need to be reminded of when and why you were sad or angry? old stuff. i can throw away a real box. i can burn a real letter. interesting to think of how to burn the psychic stuff? -- dan
ReplyDeleteI remember at about age 16 finding a box of correspondences from like age 12 and prior. I could hardly bear looking over it. I threw it away without hesitation. Now I look back again and wonder if I might be more open to it.
ReplyDeleteRichard Bach has a line, something like, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." I think there's truth to that, in so far as we can look back with more and more appreciation and understanding and benevolence.
I think I get less resistant to my past as time goes on. More curious about it. Less attached to needing it to be anything other than it was. Maybe I'm more confident I can make sense of it, given all I've learned since then. --Steve